what is up guys?christmas has been very good to me. i got a shirt from AE. i got two books. series of unfortunate events book 13(the last). i read it in a day. and the specials(i havent read that one yet, but it is also the last). then i got this really nice strapless dress(im pretty much in love with it) then i got a digital camera. yeah i know, i carry it with me wherever i go. um....sorry, i trailed off, i was listening to disney songs "Belle" i really like Beauty and the Beast. its like the best disney movie.now im listening to "Reflection"from Mulan. I love disney songs. oh dang, sorry. um what was i talking about..christmas?

yeah so , sorry, um it was good.

brittany, emily, you know what would be awesome? us getting together during christmas break. that would be awesome. i doubt it wouls happen, but it would be awesome. we'll talk.

so im 99% sure kylie will be put down. even though my mom said that courtney and I could train her. and she just went right back on her word. this has been the worst week in human history. i just feel like someone will be mad at me. will kylie be mad at me, like will she hate me? will god be dissappointed? i just want forgiveness. i dont really know, if i could bear to knowingly lead my dog into the animal hospital and know that she will die. how unfair to kylie? who are we to play god? i just dont think i could live with myself.

the only dog i have ever had- and i have to kill it.

i'm so sad, this morning my mom came into my room and told me my birds died. my birds...they're dead. i can't believe it they're gone. i never even got to say goodbye. all i want to do is cry. last night my dog stayed inside the house for the night, even though she usually stays out in her kennel, outside. but i felt like being nice and i let her inside. i said goodnight to her as she slept in the foyer and walked up the stairs into my bedroom. the next morning, i was awake for about ten minutes and i found this old sketchbook of mine(that had REALLY bad ugly drawnings in it.)so i was flipping through it and then my mom walked into my room. my mom never walks into my room. so i stare at her. and she just gives me this look. so i say "Yeah.." and she just stands there in my doorway and says,"Did you leave the dog in last night?" I stare at her blankely and wonder why she would ask me. I hesitantly reply "yes...". She comes back with a "I think you need to come down stairs." "w..h.a..t..? WHY?"

I think Kylie killed the birds.

I stop,shake in a state of disbelief. What? how could this happen. NO! no, there not dead! No. it's not true! Don't lie to me. I'm shouting in my head. I'm crying by this point. I am going through all of these emotions, I'm mad, in disbelief, schocked, sad, and confused.

Why would Kylie do this? She asks if I want to come downstairs. What? Yes..no. I'm scared. I do. I was completely awestruck. I stand in the kitchen to afraid to even think of entering the living room. All I'm thinking is" It's not true, they're not there. Im dreaming. I hate you.

I don't even know who I hate. Do I hate my parents for telling me, do I hate my self for not kicking the dog outside last night, of I am I mad a t God? I feel guilty..I'm mad at myself. It's all my fault. I walk into the living room, the cage was flipped over, plants were on their sides. Litter was everywhere. Bird seed. I was told the birds were in a box. I'm sitting on the couch, they set the box at my side. I want to see them, but I'm too ashamed. I slowly reach for the box, tears are streaming down my face. I look down. "I'm sorry." All I ever wanted to do was to protect them, and I couln't even do that. I am a horrible person. I stare down at my birds, they were all chewed,and feathers were coming off and they were lifeless. THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!

As I am sitting there with a pounding headache, everyone in my family is considering putting our dog down. Killing her, murdering her. How is killing Kylie going to do anything? It's not. I put up a fight for her. I say that I miss the birds, I've had them since fifth grade. And I always love Kylie, just not the things she does all the time. I don't know when I will be able to forgive her for killing something I love. I just feel like everything I love dies and I can't do anything to save them. My mom is seriously considering killing Kylie.  I wish I could just die. It's all my fault. I hate myself. I am going to be sad for a very long time.